Part of the contract of being a resident at the Monastic Academy is to give and receive feedback to each other.
We even have a role “Ops” whose job is to hold the integrity of the group and be the last line of discipline to enforce rules and norms. This takes the form of feedback.
People in Ops discover that they are either too harsh or too passive.
Recently, I was asked how to navigate between being responsible for giving feedback and also not wanting to hurt others and just stroke one’s own ego.
I responded there are two criteria at a minimum to check:
(a) Do I care about this person?
(b) Am I open to receiving feedback about how I gave feedback?
The first is to make sure that feedback is coming out of compassion for the group rather than advancing our own egos. The second is to make sure we, ourselves, are not hypocrites.
Note, I did not include, “does the receiver want the feedback?” I don’t think that’s valid here where everyone already agreed to receive feedback. However, an alternative might be, “Is this person capable of receiving this feedback?” Although if they are consistently demonstrating not being able to receive feedback then this is not a good place for them.
Recently, I was listening to an interview between two comedians on the Pete Holmes podcast. They talked about how “trying to be funny” is not funny. When going on stage, just be yourself. Just be Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes is funny.
What a good lesson.
So often, I see others including myself “trying to do a good job.” It could be leading a mindfulness or circling session. It could be trying to lead a team. But, the “trying” feels bad for everyone.
The trying conveys nervousness, discomfort. When the leader is “trying” then nobody feels safe, it’s clear the leader does not know what he is doing AND he’s not confident in navigating this unknown.
By the time we are at the execution phase, once we’re “on stage”, it’s too late to try anymore. The time for training and practice is before the big event. You don’t want to be practicing during the match. Now, it’s time to surrender, to let go, to trust, to manifest.
Sometimes, people say I’m a good communicator or teacher or facilitator. I know I have a lot of weaknesses: I tend to mumble my words when I’m unsure. I tend to focus too much on others.
Yet, one thing I don’t have much trouble with is just letting things happen and give the impression of being in control. Everyone feels safe and willing to go along with things if it feels like the leader is in control.
Before the big event, before the big presentation, it’s time to let go. All the training and preparation had to happen beforehand. No longer try to be good, just be yourself. “Trying” in the moment won’t make you any better, trying will only make it worse.
In the last year, I realized I have a pervasive habit of over worrying. A neurological, physiological childhood trauma around not feeling safe, not feeling protected, always on the lookout.
On one hand, this constant worrying has served me well. I can quickly assess potential risks and come up with mitigating plans to make things okay. It makes me good at project management and taking on a lot of responsibility. I’ll have already imagined every possibility so the worst outcomes don’t happen.
On the other hand, it’s too much. I can feel the tension and holding in my body almost always present. It relaxes in rare times of social bonding, intimacy, and deep meditation. After years of meditation, therapy, and all kinds of training, I can feel it viscerally now and work through the process consciously. It doesn’t rule my life but living from a trusting, naked vulnerable place is still a daily, long process for me that I’m chipping away at day by day, sit by sit, circle by circle.
When I surrender and the tension melts in my core, my pelvis, my hips, my groin, my legs, my spine, I’m more alive. The room feels more detailed. My attention is more in the world. I feel more free.
As a kid, I couldn’t adequately process the daily ups and downs with anyone. My parents weren’t skilled or available. I didn’t have many friends or family or others. So, I cut off and numbed and deadened myself from my physical and emotional self. Something that I see over and over with most men of American modernity suffer from. As an adult now in my early 30s, I’m learning to re-parent myself. To get past the judgments and fears, to experience the raw tension and befriend the resistance, the old coping mechanisms, and allow a different way to be tried instead.
It’s hard work. Some days, I’m tired of how many thousands of hours do I have to do this? But my life has definitely improved in almost every facet over the years as I work through this trauma and stuck pattern. Whereas before it might take months and special retreats to even notice this pattern consciously, I can feel it and work with it on a daily basis now.
And I imagine all my family, friends, and everyone with their own small traumas, their own stuck ways, their own prisons. It can so often seem impossible, just the way it is. Maybe a biological quirk or genetic quirk. But, the courage to explore and try something different. To face that dissociated, disconnected, split off parts of ourselves and re-integrate them. That work enables us, empowers us to have more energy, more freedom, more love, and more life.
Almost everyone is operating from a fixed, limited way of being. I hesitate to say everyone, but I do think it’s everyone at varying degrees of flexibility, mobility, freedom.
One of the most fundamental limitations is how we identify ourselves, what we identify with. What do we consider “me”, “I”, “mine”? Do I identify with my body? My feelings? My possessions? My job? My family? My Facebook friend count? My followers? Likes? Comments? Amount of money? Income? Sexual partners? Body weight?
We can tell each other, “don’t take it personally.” What does that mean? Personally as in don’t identify with it. It’s not really about you. Yet, all of us often take things personally when it’s not useful or even true.
Being able to not identify with these symbols, these abstractions helps us be more free, be more happy, be more effective.
After all, our bodies will decay and die despite what the technological transhumanists say. Our careers jobs are to a large degree not solely dependent on our selves. Basing our identity and self worth off of our income, our weight, our body is just a recipe for eventual misery.
To be sure, this does not mean that we neglect or abuse or be ignorant about these things. These bodies do exist. Money does have an impact. But, they don’t need to define our identity or self-worth. We take care of these things but we don’t base our entire lives on them. And the truth is for most of us, we do live our lives and make our decisions on minimizing the potential danger to one of these symbols or trying to maximize them. For example, choosing to move cross country for a job opportunity while sacrificing perhaps one’s spiritual life, friends, and family (valuing money). Or not doing new things that would be good because we’re afraid of being embarrassed (valuing fame, status, reputation, social identity).
One of the useful things about being at the monastery is that to some degree, this identity as a “monastic” helps empower me to do the right thing. I don’t have to worry about losing my “job” because I talk about global warming or really these blog posts. There was a way that I censored myself online at my old job because I was worried about our customers potentially reading my stuff.
Another major limitation is not being able to control and direct our attention. I hark on this point often. I notice it daily in my life too. Between constant music streaming, on-demand entertainment, advertising, social media, and everything else, it’s incredibly challenging to train and hold attention. To be in a state of not-knowing or physically uncomfortable. To just be bored.
This video from CGP Grey from last year talks about “quitting (parts of) the internet”.
I’ve previously talked about hacking my Facebook (How to Effectively Use Facebook) such that I almost never ever read anyone else’s posts. I can’t see any of the number of likes. I just share what I want and that’s it.
Meditation and mindfulness is all about training attention. Being able to focus on what we want. About being able to trust and be in any experience.
Ecstasis – act of stepping beyond oneself, rapture, ecstasy, group flow, peak state, individuals merging into group intelligence.
For most of my peers, I imagine the most obvious source of ecstasis is drug use. However, there are a number of ways to explore going beyond one’s usual self. The obvious one for me that I aspire to master is meditation.
One interesting tidbit is that a lot of “rational”, educated people often worry on retreats about being brainwashed or losing themselves through meditation. It can sometimes feel like I’m dying in this weird, hard to define way that’s not really mental or physical. Yet, it feels viscerally uncomfortable in a non-intense, intense way. Just that last paragraph demonstrates how hard it is to put into words and unusual it is.
I remember during my first year talking to Soryu how I don’t trust the Great Unknown, don’t trust my ego dying. Won’t the crowds of humanity just murder the truth-teller like they did with Jesus? Of course, a lot of that is my childhood baggage but it’s still there. This general fear of civilized social lies vs the real truth (or perhaps “realer truths”).
I really like the book talks about Going Beyond the Pale in a way that honors both the safety and usefulness of the civilized social boundaries as well as going beyond them:
In 1172, the English invaded Ireland, planted their flag, and built a great big fence. That barrier, known as the English Pale — from pale, meaning a stake or picket – defined the world for those invaders. Within their pale, all was safe, true, and good, a civilized land ruled by English law and institutions.
Beyond the pale, on the other hand, lay bad news. That’s where mayhem, murder, and madness resided. Most who ventured beyond it were never heard from again. And the few who did manage to return weren’t always welcomed with open arms. They were no longer trustworthy; they might have seen too much.
…the experiences….stand outside the perimeter fence of polite society. Instead of hearing stories about the possibilities of altered states, we’re treated to cautionary tales. Stories of hubris and excess….
…This is no idle warning. History is littered with tales of ecstatic explorations gone wrong. Consider the 1960s, Ken Kesey snuck LSD out of a Stanford research lab and all manner of tye-dyed hell broke loose. The same thing happened with the sexual revolution of the 1970s. What began as a quest for personal liberation ended up spiking rates of marital dissatisfaction and divorce. And 1990’s rave culture too, which blended synthetic drugs with electronic music, collapsed under a series of tightening legal restrictions, ER visits, and tabloid fodder.
…nearly every time we light out into this terrain, somebody gets lost. By definition, ecstasis makes for tricky navigation. The term means out of our heads and “out” isn’t always pleasant. These states can be destabilizing. It’s why psychologists use terms like “ego death” to describe the experiences…”this experience of ego-death seems to entail an instant merciless destruction of all previous reference points in the life of an individual.”
…let’s give the gatekeepers their due. What lies beyond the pale isn’t always safe and secure. Outside the state-sanctioned consciousness, there are, to be sure, peaks of profound insight and inspiration. But there are also the swamps of addiction, superstition, and groupthink, where the unprepared can get stuck.
For this reason, most people don’t venture outside alone. We look for others who have gone this way before us; we look for guidance and for leadership. But…not everyone who leads us beyond that fence has our best intentions at heart.
So, people’s misgivings about surrendering themselves to experience something different is legitimate in a lot of ways. There’s a history of abusive teachers, organizations, and such. It’s important to know that the intention of the leader or group is not fixated on some philosophical idea (communism, capitalism, etc) nor is it for self-aggrandizement. To be honest, that’s a really high bar. Most people don’t reach it.
What’s special about a legitimate mystical or spiritual group is that the first and foremost value is helping protect life, in liberating people from imprisonment. Not on their own institutional/personal survival or thriving.
And, it’s important, to point out that the existing societal institutions, existing ways of life, that you and me are doing right now, are broken. Are not only broken but complicit in continually destroying the world and everyone on it. All of the major problems today are essentially man-made from climate change, nuclear war, racism, poverty, starvation, and so on. That’s incredible.
People can sometimes worry that the monastery is a “cult”. Particularly parents. But, the truth is that everyone believes something, worships something, is a part of a cult of something. The question is whether or not you are conscious of it? And whether that cult, whether those beliefs are consciously chosen, intentionally structured or are they operating off of blind instinct or pre-existing systems of oppression?
Going Beyond the Pale has its dangers. Find trustworthy partners and a trustworthy place to go. But, staying within the Pale is also dangerous and for sure will not lead to peace, happiness, or meaning given the present conditions.
All of us start off as bright, innocent kids. Endlessly curious about the world around them. Good singers, artists, communicators. Expressive. Filled with life.
Somehow, as we become socialized into adults, we lose that spark. Some of us become perfectionists. We constantly evaluate, judge, and criticize everything we do. There’s a constant self-anxiety and shame. It becomes hard to concentrate. Feeling bad, our minds are endlessly anxious and loose rather than focused and relaxed.
I’ve been working on rekindling the bright, creative, and action oriented mode of children and the stupid.
Part of that has been learning how to sew. I spent at least thirty minutes watching videos and practicing how to thread a needle and tie a knot. I practiced on a napkin and paper. I fixed a few broken cushions. It wasn’t a great job, looked pretty terrible, and one of them broke again. But it worked and most of all I’m learning and having fun while doing so.
Today, I went to the hardware store and bought 4 caster wheels and a board. I wanted to make a cart so it’s easier to move large bulky items like beds around the building. Rather than perfect the drilling holes and get the perfect piece of wood, I just went for it. By the end, I realized I made a great and dangerous skateboard and zoomed around the room before finally falling on my ass.
I also bought a shelf and two brackets. Again, I did some minimum measurements and leveled it a bit. But mostly I just went for it and now have a wall shelf.
For perfectionist and intellectual folks like me, the temptations is always to keep planning and doing everything but the actual actions which involve making mistakes. I want to close that loop between learning, trying, feedback, and learn again.