Each month, I am doing a public monthly review and preview for the next month as part of my writing commitment. It’s not quite clear yet how these reviews will help with my writing skill. At least, they serve as an accountability review. I’m writing this one a bit in haste, you’ll see why in the October plans section. So, let’s map out the categories for this month:
- Monastic Academy: my job, home, and practice community. Reflecting back on big pieces of the past month: lessons, insights, and challenges.
- Psychology/Healing: challenges and changes over my self healing and psychology.
- Meditation: how’s my meditation going?
- Circling: how’s circling going? Both as a student and teacher.
- Misc Life: anything else that doesn’t fit above.
- October Plans: how’s October looking?
Vision Quest – We finished our vision quest early September with our guide Darren. This was my 2nd vision quest. It was a really great experience with perfect weather. The quest involves several pieces including building a sweat lodge, lodging with the other questers, and questing out in the woods for several days without food or shelter (get a tarp and sleeping bag). The primary medicine I got from the quest was that I want more joy in my life and specifically my relationship to work to be more joyous. I fantasized about food and wanting to bake bread and cook good food. After the quest, I baked my first two loaves of bread ever! At the end of the quest, I made a commitment to revisit the forest each week to stay in connection. So far, I’ve kept the promise and it’s been a good source of physical and mental refuge.
Renovations – The building and property we purchased for the Monastic Academy is amazing and beautiful however it’s not suited for year round residence. We’ve begun doing needed renovations to the building including a new pantry room and winterizing the building. Still a lot to do. It’s interesting to learn how to call up contractors, figure out bids, and navigate this whole project. I really didn’t want to be the lead person on this but neither did anyone else.
Coworker – We hosted a month long coworker in September, a developer from Silicon Valley. He had a great time, and interesting to see a lot of his positive experiences were learning tangential things from residents like proper posture. It’s good to know that our community and product does really work. It’s just a tougher sell to have people physically come here for extended amounts of time.
Shinzen Retreat – We hosted our first week long retreat with Shinzen Young. I was nominated as the retreat manager months ago. It was the biggest retreat we’ve ever run, at least as far back as I’ve been a resident. Including the residents and teachers, we had about 30 folks. I had a lot of concern and worry working up to this week. After initial bumpy day of minor tweaks, everything ran really smoothly. Guests had life changing moments, Shinzen had a great time, and no emergencies came up. It’s nice to have the confidence to know I can and have run a great retreat from scratch. Of course, I had a lot of leadership and help from my fellow residents too.
I joined the monastery partly to work on intimate relationships. My family growing up was dysfunctional, and I’ve found all my relationships in my life lacking in some intimacy regard. I felt a deep loneliness and separation. I felt that when times got tough that people including myself would eject and leave the relationship. Even the dharma communities I was part of didn’t go into the discomfort territory. I thought a monastery would be a place where people were committed. They couldn’t and wouldn’t just leave when it become tough. I was right.
Recently, I stumbled upon this thing called Complex PTSD. Pete Walker has the best site on the topic. “Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving harm or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic” (Wikipedia).
My parents, bless their hearts that they did the best they could do, neglected my brother and me a lot. Whatever traumas they suffered in their life carried over to us. I was never physically abused. I always had enough food to eat, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. But I never got enough emotional sustenance. My family argued a lot as far back as I can remember. Coupled with my brother who was my best and only friend for a long time leaving for college when I was 12 or 13 and being often the bullied Asian kid, it was a rough childhood.
I can see a lot of symptoms of CPTSD in me. The denial and minimization of my negative feelings. The inner critic of perfectionism and unworthiness along with the outer critic of judging others failing to do their part. The emotional flashbacks back to knotted tense stomach around relationships. Viewing intimacy and relationship as dangerous rather than nourishing. The constant hypervigilance and fear of intense engagement with others assuming it will go poorly.
For the past year or more, I’ve often felt this stuckness, this tension, ball of trauma in my gut, perhaps my small intestine. It can relax sometimes when I grieve or do a lot of meditation, or fall asleep. But it’s often present especially it seems if I’m nervous or anxious. Although it getting better, it’s still a mess.
There’s a lot to say here. I’ve been working on it both in my meditation practice and doing therapy.
Always feels like a struggle between worrying about monastery responsibilities and letting it all go to focus on awakening meditation. Practice has been in somewhat shambles. Haven’t done a real meditation retreat since July. I had a lot of momentum and dedication in July that I’m hoping to work back towards. At least, I know now it’s just mundane working the concentration back up. I know how to do it, I just need to focus and have time to do it.
I’m continuing to lead a monthly circling event in Burlington and our weekly night at the Monastery. I’ve been heartened to see that the other residents are starting to lead their own birthday circles and do it well. When I first brought relational practices like circling to the monastery, I felt a lot of resistance from others and didn’t feel very confident. It’s nice to see that circling is now just a part of the culture here and people often want to do it more than me.
It’s funny to see this weakness of mine in terms of relationship has been continually getting exercised probably for the last decade starting in college. It’s becoming my strength and what I’m most interested in helping others and myself with even more so than meditation or business or technology. I have qualms about how far I can lead though with my intimacy challenges and trauma still present.
Nothing for now given time constraints.
So, busy October!
First, I’m doing a solo retreat starting tonight! Since I was the retreat manager at the last retreat, I’m making up for it by going into the cabin for several days. I’ve never done a solo retreat ever before! So, I’m very excited and a little worried about how that will go.
I’ve got several circling events planned this month including a week-long meditation and circling retreat at the monastery!