Hi! Welcome to my Permanent Digital Abode. My name is Peter. I'm working on becoming a digital nomad. My focus is on web development, meditation, and self improvement. Join me, won't you?
Big expectations are always a disappointment. Surprises are always a great joy.
Tomorrow, I leave Orlando. Why did I come here? What did I learn?
Three months ago, mid-August, I was depressed. A year had passed since leaving Washington DC and graduating with my Masters. All my grand plans had fallen.
At the time, I was intentionally living at home with my parents to save money after having spent my life savings on a RV which was constantly breaking down. I was fighting bitterly with my parents. Many of my friends were starting their graduate programs. I felt stagnant.
An opportunity appeared. An expert, physical trainer was offering free training for three months in Orlando. It could be a life changing moment to work one on one with him. I shot him an email and was approved. Less than a week later, I hit the road.
I knew no one in Orlando. I didn’t know where I would sleep. The weather back in Delaware was just cooling off while Orlando would be in the 90s for several weeks or months. Living in the RV would be suicide.
Funny enough, the trainer had sent an email saying the program was postponed/cancelled indefinitely the day I left, but I missed it. I thought about leaving but decided to stay on the chance that he would resume the program.
Now, I had no reason for even being here too.
I’ve had a new roommate every three weeks. A total of 7-8 people in 4 different sets and two houses. One of whom may of robbed me of over $1,000 of my material possessions. With the exception of one roommate, I’ve been stressed out with the rest.
But, I learned important lessons. If I’m going to live with a stranger, choose an older guy at least in his late 20′s so the weekday partying is out of him and has a stable job. I also learned the worse part of getting robbed isn’t the lost of money, but the resulting fear of living in your own house. The first few nights, I had difficulty sleeping and kept a hammer by my bed. The fear has subsided now, but I still double check my windows and locks.
Yet, I am happy I stayed here as long as I did.
My first two weeks here, I made half a dozen, solid friends that I’ve hung out with every week since. I meditated with a local vipassana and Zen group twice a week. I did koan practice for the first time. I did a weekend retreat in Gainesville. I meet a new person every week. The diversity of people I’ve meet here trumps my past six years. I developed deeper connections here in three months than I did living two years in DC. Although, one of my best friends lived in DC so I had less incentive to meet new people.
A big part of the success was the mindset of, “I don’t know what I am doing, but I got nothing to lose, and everything to gain.” Initially, I went to the bars thinking, I have to at least make the effort of being there. My biggest fear coming here was that I wouldn’t make any lasting friends, but that quickly dispelled the first week. I went to these meditation circles not expecting anything but ending up meeting some wonderful people and possible future mentors.
I lived more in these three months than the seven months I lived at home with my parents.
But I am exhausted. I’m tired of constantly having a new roommate or house to move. I ended up losing over $1k of electronics in addition to having to buy a new laptop. I need to save some money. Well, I want to save more money really. While I do really like the people I meet, I don’t really like the city of Orlando itself. It’s not an ambitious city nor a densely populated one. I walk down streets wondering where is everyone? There’s no real public transit except the bus. Most of my friends live far away and/or can’t drive. Also, there are some new people closer to home now that I want to see. Friends in Phila, DC, and Delaware that won’t be so close again.
However, the thought of coming back to Florida in January has crossed my mind. Many times.
Right now, my priorities are on two things.
First, what my future career be? I can only work my current job so long before it’s sold or I’m exhausted. I’ve worked my current job for almost seven years now. I have several, possible career paths, and I’m just working down the list until I find the right one. I’m blessed to have that luxury. But I also have spent a lot of time and preparation to have that flexibility.
Second, what am I doing with this RV? I’ve owned this RV for almost a year now. I’ve slept less than 7 days in it. Logged less than 4,000 miles in a year. I still am a bit wary of living in it and uncertain how I would work while on the road. Taking calls in a coffee shop is surprisingly very stressful. Why do they play such loud music and why is everyone so loud? There’s a lot of different options here too to figure out.
“Everything I am not made me everything I am.”
Everyone has this self-story about who they are. Their interpretation of their life. For a long time, I saw myself as an outsider and basically a loser. My parents were poor immigrants. I didn’t have the opportunities and experiences most of my peers had. After school, I was working for free at my parents store. (Funny, I got my current job from talking to one of the customers who is now my boss). The only good thing I had were my computer skills and my high grades. Neither of which I considered great accomplishments. Over the years, starting in college, it seems I’ve been expanding myself. Pushing my comfort zone with new people, new experiences, new talents.
Exercise, diet, cooking, public speaking, writing, meditation, drugs, relationships, installing solar panels on RV, music, dance, money, business, living with 20+ people, and so on. Some of them were failures and deadends. Some of them went well.
Now, I’m pretty well off. I got a great education for free. I got a good job. My health is at its best. I have lifelong friends. I’m not enamored by lust, power, fame, or greed. By most respects, I’m doing more than well. By world standards, I’m like the top 5%.
But there are still several things on my list to cross off though. That’s my karma. Weaknesses I still want to make into strengths. Experiences I still haven’t encountered. Lives I still want to live. Sometimes, it seems the list only keeps growing. Other times, it seems rather small.
This November month I’ve been stagnant. No gym. No projects. Falling into old patterns of television, video games, and what not. The only positive has been the amount of meditation I’ve put in. Processing the robbery and preparing to let go of Orlando. Also, along with my self-story, I have a constant question that defines me which is, “what’s wrong? how do I fix it?” Meditation helps calm my mind and quiet this constant question away to remember that life in the present moment is always perfect just a it is.
Last year, I came back home from a similar situation. I was living in a great house with two good friends. It was the ultimate young man’s lair. Arcade machine, pool table, bar, parties, big screen tv, and so on. But I wanted to go home to save money and establish productive habits. I wanted to be better. And once again, almost a year later, I’m doing the same trip back home. Except, I don’t plan on staying home too long because I already know how toxic an environment that is for me. I’ll make my next big decision in January.
I always planned on leaving around November and then December with the possibility of staying longer. I didn’t think I could get attached to a place so quickly in just three months. But, then again, I clearly forgot about my experiences in New Orleans (1 week) and China (1 month).
There’s at least ten people I’m seriously going to miss here in Orlando. If one or two things were different, I might of stayed here for the long run. But, it is fruitless to think ifs and buts. And I never did the big tourist stuff. National forests. Countless Beaches. Space shuttle launch. Fishing. Amusement parks. Miami. I guess save some for next time.
Everything changes. Everything stays the same.
Life is “I don’t know” and that’s okay.
This post is a story I tell myself to make sense of don’t know.
Everything in life is a lesson and a gift, but when you have trouble digesting, you call it a burden.
*—-
hmm i guess there are bad surprises actually….like getting robbed or getting a new roommate. still, i’d take the surprise over the expectation.
I did a Saturday Zen retreat. I’ll write more on that later. Tonight, I also went to the regular Sunday sitting. They mentioned that meditation training is building up a capacity now so that when things go wrong, you can handle it and not lose your mind.
At the time, I thought this idea seems kind of bleak. Meditation just so when things inevitably go bad you can handle it? This both assumes your current abilities are bad and that bad things will indeed happen. I usually like to stress that meditation makes me able to also enjoy life better.
But tonight, while I was sitting there thinking this, something bad was indeed happening which I will also get into the details maybe later. I’m typing this on my phone though at a friend’s place 2am on a Monday.
And oddly enough, it’s not too distressing. In fact, the suffering I think my friends go through upon hearing the news is almost as bad. Zen says a good situation is a bad situation. A bad situation is a good situation.
I don’t know. The saddest part right now is just not knowing and being unable to know the why and how this occurred. And because of that, I don’t doubt god or life or whatever like I would when I was younger. Instead, I have doubts about my fellow man and woman. Am I too trusting?
I always believed respect given is returned. And for the most part, I’ve been able to get along with almost everyone I meet. But, now, I wonder maybe it’s this was done by one or two people I do know and even helped. And that really hurts. But I probably won’t ever know. And that causes my doubts to be even worse.
See, I believe God, Dao, the universe, or whatever you call it is not fair or unfair. It just follows laws. So my faith in that isn’t shaken. My faith in Man though is.
Money lost can always be made again. But can I continue my RV journey without having to start constantly watch my back? Can I ever so easily trust a stranger?
The statistics of this happening are quite low so I know rationally this is just an emotional reaction. A fear, a defense to make sure this never ever happens again.
But it’s difficult to live that. Like going skydiving and actually getting injuried and then convincing yourself to go again. What’s the chances of it happening twice right?
I don’t know. Zen encourages this natural I don’t know because really that’s the basis of almost everything. But when times are bad…well I don’t know feels kind of bad.
I’m grateful though. The friends I made here the very first weekend in Orlando have helped me out generously. I talked to some of my old friends back home. And my boss was good about things.
I just got to live with it and move on.
It’s really not that bad if it sounds that way. I’m perfectly still in good health, and this shouldn’t have to effect me negatively in the longrun or even right now.
I can say I’m likely leaving Orlando early December. I’d go even sooner, but I already paid rent for Nov. I may return to visit for a while because I did genuinely have a great time again this weekend up to now. And I have meet some great people here in such a short amount of time. But I’ve also had to deal with more stressful situations and people here than anywhere else.
How do you deal with a bad crisis?
Figure out what can recovered.
Do what’s necessary to minimize damage.
Call upon family and friends for support.
Live in the feeliing. Let it air its grievences. But don’t let it become and stay the master.
Remember everything changes, nothing is forever. I’m going to die one day. And this is never that large as it seems.
Do what you can to prevent this. Learn any lessons if they are there.
Move on.
Sign. High peak of weekend of Zen and friends. Low point Sunday night. Maybe, maybe things will pick up when I visit home Wednesday. I feel like the universe owes me.
The first Friday night I was in Orlando was when my car’s ac pressure switch blew up. That was a bad point too because I didn’t know what that was and worried my entire engine might of just gotten seriously damaged. But I went out anyway with this, “i don’t give a shit about anything. This is too ridiculous of a situation. I’m going to enjoy myself.” And that was the night I meet the good friends whom I’m staying with now. Hopefully like that pressure switch, the only real damage will be inconvience and money. I’m really praying this doesn’t become a long term problem I have to constantly address.
So, I haven’t been doing daily meditation, waking early, or socializing much. I have been attending two meditation groups though. In October, I also got a new roommate who was the #25 or something roommate I’ve had. He’s a good guy, but not the best roommate and made sleeping early or meditation a bit difficulty. I’m also getting a new, replacement roommate next week. This means I will have had a new roommate each month while I’ve lived in Orlando.
I have a good weekend group of friends here so there’s less incentive to meet new people. However, it’s pretty surprising how quickly I established a network here in just 1-3 months whereas in the past, it took much longer. I’m pretty confident now that I could venture into any new city and quickly have a good circle of friends.
I have been eating well and going to the gym weekly. Right now, I weight around 125 pounds, which was the highest I ever had before so I gained back all the lost weight. I’m still hoping over the next 1-2 months I gain an additional 10 pounds. I know, I’m skinny as hell. The downside is that I am constantly hungry. Insatiable. I wake up in the middle of the night with a rumbling stomach and wanting needing to eat another meal. My monthly grocery bill could rival my housing rent money.
I’ve been tracking every penny I spend again. I actually built a webapp with a backend database for the task because paper and excel sheets always get lost. Being conscious spending my money means I’ve been cutting back a lot. No frivolous purchases. I also know that my Pho monthly bill is around $60-$100. Maybe, I’ll publish my expenses online on the sidebar one day.
Finally, my web development work has slowed in October. I just started reading White Space is Not Your Enemy: A Beginner’s Guide to Communicating Visually through Graphic, Web and Multimedia Design. I have a few web coding projects in progress, but they’re all in the grind, not fun anymore state. The beginning of every project where I plan and learn new things is the funnest part. Afterward, it’s the grind of the detailed implementation, interface design, and optimization that’s absolutely boring to me.
This Saturday, I’ll be doing a full day Zen retreat including koan interview practice with a Zen teacher. I’ve never done koan practice before so I’m looking forward to it. As a former philosophy student, I’m not sure how my need to rationally figure things out will work with non-rational Zen questions.
Next week, I’ll be flying home for 6 days. I’m really looking forward to it. I miss a lot of my friends back home and trying to hit multiple cities. I’m also coming up specifically this weekend for a full day company meeting and should be interesting to see what our agenda for next year will be. In the Spring, I will have worked at my current company for 7 years!
Chances are I’ll be staying in Orlando until early December. Then I’ll travel back home and see various friends in the South along the way. Recover at home for a while and then figure things out from there.
Once again, I’m heading towards a crossroads except this time it’s much more sharp. I’ve been thinking about two, completely different options.
One is living long term at a Buddhist center as a resident student while working or not. It would actually be cheaper than what I pay now for housing and food, but it would also mean I’d be a vegetarian and basically living a monk-esque life. It’s been a persistent dream of mine. It would only be for several months or years but quite a change of lifestyle.
The other option is transitioning into a full time web developer / entrepreneur working basically ridiculous 60+ hours/week. The startup, entrepreneur culture and lifestyle appeals to me.
Both cases are highly unorthodox, slightly risky but with very high, possible rewards. All I know for sure though is that I want some changes.
I added a Life Lab section to the site. Currently, it doesn’t have much information. In the future, I intend to write longer pieces about the various experiments and habits I’ve attempted and/or integrated into my life.
The best part of moving to Orlando has been the regular, group meditation. So, far I’ve been going twice a week.
On Wednesday nights, I do Vipassana Meditation in Winter Park with the Orlando Insight Meditation Group. On Sunday evenings, I do Zen sitting and walking meditation (along with some chanting) with the Orlando Zen Center at Shine On Yoga, which is literally 5 minutes walking from me.
Usually, there’s about a dozen to two dozen people. Minimum instructions given besides pay attention to your breathe. I’ve noticed that Zen provides the least instructions of any group. On Wednesdays, Peter (not me) gives a short talk and discussion about Buddhist psychology after the sitting meditation. Peter is a practicing and licensed therapist along with a very experienced vipassana meditator.
There is naturally a lot of overlapping members who show up at both.
The Zen meditation of chanting, sitting, walking, and again sitting meditation is new to me. However, I do enjoy it a lot. The walking meditation reminds me of Tai Chi Quan. The chanting is surprisingly a good way to relax and hone the mind. It also helps that we get pho sometimes afterwards.
It’s also interesting to note that the demographic of the groups tend to be in the 30s or older crowd. Occasionally, there’s a young face, but they don’t seem to last long just as I didn’t in the past. I guess I’m just ahead of the curve. The DC Insight Group had a much broader but also larger demographic of people.
On the other hand, I’ve never meet such committed, American Buddhists before. Usually, the sort I meet are the ones, who like myself, include Buddhism and meditation into their daily life rather than become a member themselves. Several of the Zen members have taken on the Precept Vows and do the early morning, Zen bowing ritual.
Either way, I’m thoroughly happy I found both groups. I would do even more sitting groups, but they aren’t compatible with my working schedule. The other five days of the week, I’m trying to sit by myself for at least half a hour.
I’ve been in Orlando now for three weeks. Wow. It does not feel that long.
Coming to Orlando was suppose to be a fresh start towards fulfilling my potential and dreams. Although weeks have passed, setbacks have occurred including a postponed training program and a poor housing situation. But I’m ready to train myself if necessary and moving to a new home this week.
Self improvement is an obsession of mine. To constantly become a better, healthier, happier, and just better person. Sometimes, I fall into despair and confusion because my expectations and self-judgments are too harsh and only based on where I want to be, who I want to be rather than how far I’ve come. I lose sight of just how much progress has been made. How much I’ve learned, how much I’ve experienced getting from my past to here.
This past year, I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of mentors, peers, groups, and institutions in both forming a person’s values and directing his growth. After leaving graduate school and most of the networks I had in Washington DC, the responsibility for growth fell upon my shoulders alone. I no longer have an outside force demanding, expecting, or guiding me in my growth.
So, I came to Orlando with the expectation of working under a world class physical trainer. I would dedicate the remaining months of 2011 towards my physical health and to gaining twenty pounds of muscle and end my lifelong “skin and bones” perception. Unfortunately, he’s run into some troubles and the program’s been indefinitely postponed.
Nevertheless, I made a commitment to stay in Orlando for at least the rest of 2011. I plan on using those months to make rapid progress in instilling new habits and rituals.
I prefer the word ritual because it has the connotation of the sacred. A sacred habit. Actions whose regular completion are more important than any interruption, embarrassment, or inconvenience. Habits tend to die off without peer pressure or strong consequences. Habits are something you do for your own improvement. Rituals constitute who you are as a person. There are no excuses when it comes to completing rituals, and that’s what I am aiming towards and why I’m making this publicly available.
Starting tomorrow, these are the goals, habits, and rituals I’ll be working on (again):
Waking Early 7am – It’s much easier for me to be productive in the early morning when everyone else is asleep rather than at night. Also, a good morning begets a good day. Goal is 7am on weekdays for September.
Daily 30 Minute Meditation – Meditation has been a life changing process for me. I’ve been sitting twice a week with a Vipassana and a Zen group. For the remaining 5 days, I’ll sit by myself.
Eating A Lot of Good Food – I’m trying to gain weight which means a lot more food volume. I’ve already cut out all processed foods, fast food, soda, most sugar, and other bad foods out of my diet for over a year now. I do need to add more fruits and vegetables though and just eat more. I’m thinking of photo-journaling my meals too just for my personal knowledge. My plan is a modified Paleo Diet + Beans + Some Grain/Rice Carbs + Cheat Day.
Eye Contact, Socializing, Conquering Orlando – I feel like so many months living back home in Delaware cloistered in my room dulled my social skills. I find myself uncomfortable often times holding eye contact or wondering what strangers might think if I do something. Insane. I want to blast through that and establish a large, high quality group of friends here. Since I’ll be living Downtown, I should be able to hit up a lot of events too.
Tracking My Daily Expenses – Now that I’m paying rent again in a large city, I need to keep a close eye on my finances again. I’ll be tracking every dollar and seeing where the excesses are. I already know the bars are costing me more than I would like as well as car repairs and gas.
Becoming a Competent Web Designer and Developer – I usually tell people my job title is web developer, but in reality, I do a mix of server administration, search engine optimization (SEO), a lot of help desk troubleshooting, and sometimes web coding projects. This past year I spent a lot of time and effort on internet marketing with mediocre results. I’m trashing almost all of it. I’m focusing on becoming at least a good web developer by systematically working through the technologies – PHP, AJAX, CSS, Javascript, HTML5, and so on. I’ve been using PHP since I was 13. I can master this and make real, profitable programs.
I’ll report results at the end of the month. For now, it’s a time for massive action and fewer words.
*—– Extra Bites —-*
Originally, I was going to also list a bunch of negative habits I’ve removed or trying to remove like television, internet addiction and so on. But, if I’m busy with my positive rituals, I won’t even have time to waste.
http://tynan.com/gettingbetter – tynan’s post here reflects well my own view on self improvement and why it’s so important.
This keeps getting pushed back, but I should be moving Wednesday to a new house that’s a lot quieter and nicer.
I hate my writing. I can’t tell if I’m hiding parts of myself. And even if I am, is that such a bad thing considering this is a public website? I wonder sometimes if I’m boasting or seeking pity. Or if I’m being too negative. I think my best writing are the ones I write in one sitting like this one and talking in a conversational tone.
I’ve made some friends in Orlando, but it’s very annoying how spread out everything is. It’s even worse than DC. I guess the heat just keeps everyone inside.
I love Louis CK. I think doing standup and improv professionally would be my top 3 dream careers even though I’ve never done either in front of an audience. They’re on my 2012 bucket list of to dos.
What’s really amazing to me is that he spent his first 35 years of life being essentially a shitty comedian. 15 years after graduating high school did he finally hit his stride. And he did it by following Carlin’s example of stepping outside your comfort zone and just speaking your mind. All the shit you’re not suppose to say in public. Not just the outside world problems that everyone loves to spend hours complaining about. But his own insecurities, fears, and dark desires. I strive to be as funny and more importantly as honest as CK.
Hi! Welcome to my Permanent Digital Abode. My name is Peter. I'm working on becoming a digital nomad. My focus is on web development, meditation, and self improvement. Join me, won't you?
My house(s)
