Everything constantly changing.
Thoughts and emotions turning.
Happiness in the morning over a pleasant email.
Discomfort in the afternoon over the heat.
Sadness in the evening over a disagreement.
Mind keeps thinking of possible opportunities.
Lost loves keep haunting my dreams.
Excitement over meeting someone new.
Exhaustion over having to try again and again.
The meditation bell rings. Ding. Ding. Ding.
Letting go. Dissolving into the present moment. Just awareness.
Noticing a gadget plugged into the wall. Its blinking red light. Blink. Blink. Blink.
Has it always been there? Has it always blinked?
Touching back into this Primary Point, there is no struggle. Not making good or bad, not making pleasure or pain then there is no problem.
Everything simply is as it is. Can I accept that? Can I allow that? My resistance only brings suffering.
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.
But it’s the second turning that’s still challenging. Form is form. Emptiness is emptiness.
The present may be done. But the future is still uncertain. How shall I act?
An agitated mind. All these uncertainties in the near future. All these changes that need to happen. Yesterday’s fruit is today’s rotten fertilizer. It’s time to move forward.
Keep re-evaluating my story. How strange and odd it is.
This discomfort. This uncertainty. These are the feelings I’ve spent a lifetime wanting to master and control.
I thought great success or great failure would teach me.
But after so many attempts at mastery, I know the only option left is to learn how to stay present here.
And I wonder. If or when I go job hunting. What shall they think? What if my future love reads these words?
Will they see courage? Will they see wisdom? Or will they see melancholy, foolishness, and naivety?
So many unfinished drafts trying to put into words what cannot be expressed.
Why don’t I write about programming, minimalism, travels, or something else?
I look over an old writing:
it is not wealth, it is not fame or power I truly seek. It’s always been a self-overcoming. At some point I decided that I was still too attached and wasn’t going to get past my problems via inner training alone. Fear of poverty, aversion to pain, wanting companionship, and so on. And reminded of Osho’s model of Zorba the Buddha. So I changed my view. After all, even the enlightened person still keeps living in this world. And I’ve yet to see one that’s like the idealistic stereotype. They have flaws, they’re human.
So I would seek enlightenment by putting an end to those fears and desires by satisfying them. Wealth, traveling, social dynamics, relationships, so on. But even years ago, when I wrote my self-story, I would have great success before vanishing from the world to do intense inner training and be truly free.
I daydream sometimes of great success or of great danger and lost. In either case to override my ingrained fears. To get above the pleasure seeking and aversion to pain wired into all of us.
a game i’m playing to get out of games.